Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Comfort In Your Strangeness
This is sooooo yesterday...
I was emailing nonstop with one of my favorite people, Bing. We talked about college life and friends back then. We were exchanging thoughts which started with me pouring out my thoughts and answering the "whys" about the (then) head-in-the-clouds college romance which my friends thought-out for me, but which set-off in vain.
I know that I'm getting older but I found memories awakening inside of me, flashes of labeled experiences that had settled deep into that compartment of my mind. I'm not even sure if these thoughts that I had back then are real or made up ones (haha). But anyway, I thought of it again, and I realized how insensitive I was...
So, then the "why"? - I said I'm flattered by the fact that someone took notice of me. He had nothing but great things to say, but I decided that I will keep him out of my thoughts.
Why? Because I feel like there's nothing more to it but just that, only that - a simple admiration
Why? Because I know that I am not exactly the ideal image of a person he would want to pursue a relationship with, so why be tricked by the feelings of a "false" romantic love
Why? Because at my age that time I already have a choice in the matter of who to fall in love with
Why? Because I intentionally wanted to distance myself from him
Why? Because sometimes I feel like people find me as some sort of a deviant. I dunno...maybe it's because of the way I perceived things or the things that I am interested at, and I think he's one of those "people". That's why i keep most of my thoughts to myself because people think it's unusual
And besides, I think that most people would favor the approval of others rather than settle for his/her own choice (well this is another thought-provoking issue).
In relation to the above story, I told my friend:
....that since I decided not to be distracted by that person's presence, I am not also bothered by his choices in life or the people he wants to be with.
Why again? Because, di ko naman sya kilala so technically we're not involved.
...and I know and I am confident (modesty aside) and that I have something which others don't have (haha, conceited ba)...my friend said "yes you have a lot more that others don't have, and you're asserting it. I don't think you're conceited. You realized what you said because many people tell you that also or appreciate you".
And because she agreed on how I perceived myself, she said "you can tell a person by the friends she/he keeps. We're your friends, right?.. basically we appreciate ourselves" . We both agreed that she meant it as half joke and half truth. She continued, "it's "Half joke" because we are not really who are friends are, we are our own different selves; "Half truth" because we choose our friends. We don't go with people whom we think can never understand and bear with us. We enjoy the company of people who doesn't necessarily share the same interests but at least would love to do some things with us and would listen to our stories of life, pains or joys, silly or serious"...
....And I say Amen to that!
I said, with them as my friends, people can tell who you really are by association...but I feel that my friends perceived me as very different from them...they think I am too serious for them. But I love my friends, so, I've learned to become silly sometimes, and laugh a lot, and let them see me cry.
I don't know, I really see myself as a free spirit, parang I have the mind of an "artist" kuno...because before whenever someone asks me if I love my job, I would say "Yeah, Im OK with it". But sabi nga dun sa nabasa ko, "we are not our jobs, our moods, our feelings, what we really are is changeless so anything that changes is not us, we are more than what we think we are" ...we may be working as engineer or sales person or nurse pero deep inside we are writers, poets, dancers etc. So feeling ko if I will live the life that i wanted, dun ako naka incline sa arts.
And the surprising thing is, I discovered that among my friends, Bing feels the same way too about my self concept of the life that I wanted.
We're friends indeed!
Talk about sharing thoughts and "not so silly" conversations....
But I enjoyed remembering those things. It reminds me of how beautiful and simple life once was.
Thanks Bing! With you, I've found a person whose mind is a little bit more open than most, a little more accepting than most, and a little weirder 'though, LOL.
Hope not to burn bridges!
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even in highschool, you tend to keep your thoughts to yourself. either people think your suplada or just the silent type.
but those people should know that silent rivers run deep.
it's nice knowing you have a blog. now we know what's on your mind.
but those people should know that silent rivers run deep.
it's nice knowing you have a blog. now we know what's on your mind.
Yeah you're right. Prior to HS, I get used to being perfect, so I decided I wanted imperfections, I wanted to become invisible, hehe.
Besides, I am admittedly more of a writer than a speaker (that's wy I took up Public Speaking in HS)...too bad, I ended up being a singer! huh!, joke, LOL
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Besides, I am admittedly more of a writer than a speaker (that's wy I took up Public Speaking in HS)...too bad, I ended up being a singer! huh!, joke, LOL
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