living life with a soundtrack
Comfort In Your Strangeness
This is sooooo yesterday...
I was emailing nonstop with one of my favorite people, Bing. We talked about college life and friends back then. We were exchanging thoughts which started with me pouring out my thoughts and answering the "whys" about the (then) head-in-the-clouds college romance which my friends thought-out for me, but which set-off in vain.
I know that I'm getting older but I found memories awakening inside of me, flashes of labeled experiences that had settled deep into that compartment of my mind. I'm not even sure if these thoughts that I had back then are real or made up ones (haha). But anyway, I thought of it again, and I realized how insensitive I was...
So, then the "why"? - I said I'm flattered by the fact that someone took notice of me. He had nothing but great things to say, but I decided that I will keep him out of my thoughts.
Why? Because I feel like there's nothing more to it but just that, only that - a simple admiration
Why? Because I know that I am not exactly the ideal image of a person he would want to pursue a relationship with, so why be tricked by the feelings of a "false" romantic love
Why? Because at my age that time I already have a choice in the matter of who to fall in love with
Why? Because I intentionally wanted to distance myself from him
Why? Because sometimes I feel like people find me as some sort of a deviant. I dunno...maybe it's because of the way I perceived things or the things that I am interested at, and I think he's one of those "people". That's why i keep most of my thoughts to myself because people think it's unusual
And besides, I think that most people would favor the approval of others rather than settle for his/her own choice (well this is another thought-provoking issue).
In relation to the above story, I told my friend:
....that since I decided not to be distracted by that person's presence, I am not also bothered by his choices in life or the people he wants to be with.
Why again? Because, di ko naman sya kilala so technically we're not involved.
...and I know and I am confident (modesty aside) and that I have something which others don't have (haha, conceited ba)...my friend said "yes you have a lot more that others don't have, and you're asserting it. I don't think you're conceited. You realized what you said because many people tell you that also or appreciate you".
And because she agreed on how I perceived myself, she said "you can tell a person by the friends she/he keeps. We're your friends, right?.. basically we appreciate ourselves" . We both agreed that she meant it as half joke and half truth. She continued, "it's "Half joke" because we are not really who are friends are, we are our own different selves; "Half truth" because we choose our friends. We don't go with people whom we think can never understand and bear with us. We enjoy the company of people who doesn't necessarily share the same interests but at least would love to do some things with us and would listen to our stories of life, pains or joys, silly or serious"...
....And I say Amen to that!
I said, with them as my friends, people can tell who you really are by association...but I feel that my friends perceived me as very different from them...they think I am too serious for them. But I love my friends, so, I've learned to become silly sometimes, and laugh a lot, and let them see me cry.
I don't know, I really see myself as a free spirit, parang I have the mind of an "artist" kuno...because before whenever someone asks me if I love my job, I would say "Yeah, Im OK with it". But sabi nga dun sa nabasa ko, "we are not our jobs, our moods, our feelings, what we really are is changeless so anything that changes is not us, we are more than what we think we are" ...we may be working as engineer or sales person or nurse pero deep inside we are writers, poets, dancers etc. So feeling ko if I will live the life that i wanted, dun ako naka incline sa arts.
And the surprising thing is, I discovered that among my friends, Bing feels the same way too about my self concept of the life that I wanted.
We're friends indeed!
Talk about sharing thoughts and "not so silly" conversations....
But I enjoyed remembering those things. It reminds me of how beautiful and simple life once was.
Thanks Bing! With you, I've found a person whose mind is a little bit more open than most, a little more accepting than most, and a little weirder 'though, LOL.
Hope not to burn bridges!
Random Thoughts
Pardon this "me-first" self-centered post ('la lang magawa).
High School Life
What section were you?
IV-Narra, Section 1 out of almost 20 sections I guess :)...yabang haha
Who were your seatmates?
We were arranged alphabetically. I'm an "M" so nasa gitna ako ni Jimenez and Paz
What was your first class?
Physics? di ko matandaan
Made friends to the lower years?
Syempre...yong mga COCC haha
How was your class schedule?
Hectic hehe....ok naman, di naman sya conflict sa oras ng That's Entertainment hehe
Made any enemies?
I hated no one, 'though I remember that someone hated me (basted haha)
Who was your favorite teacher?
My Theater Arts teacher Ms. Jocel Samson (she's cute and animated and she hated Kris Aquino and I love her class)....and Mr. S. Santiago, my DevCom teacher....those were elective classes only
What sport did you play?
konting Volleyball
Were you a party animal?
No, I was anti-social.
Were you well known in your school?
Except for the communal and inherent distinction I enjoyed for being a "Narra" (with bragging rights, of course), nope, nobody cares for the deviant
Skip classes?
once or twice....
Did you get suspended/expelled?
only sent out of the library
Can you sing the alma mater?
yes
What was your favorite subject?
DevCom, English
Did you go to the dances?
I did not, strict parents ko eh haha
Where did you go most often during breaks?
Library, Guevarra's
What did you do on the last day of school?
celebrate
*******
8 Things I'm Passionate About:(in no particular order)
1. Music
2. Writing
3. Learning new things/trivia
4. Conversations
5. Really good and bad movies
6. Investigative journalism
7. Reading anything
8. Singing
8 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. Be the best mom to Rara
2. Build a bohemian-inspired or mexican-inspired house, in Batangas perhaps (why in Batangas?, well that's another story)... a "hideaway place" . I've been collecting home design articles and magazines, and I have visualized already the "look" that I wanted for my dream house. At first I cannot categorize if it is modern asian or something, but when a mexican-inspired house was featured in a lifestyle TV, I said to myself that that is the house that I'm dreaming about...vivid, warm colors...beautiful and comfortable, with some imperfections in its structure done on purpose. I want a house where you can loosen up and not worry about touching a furniture or breaking stuff or something.
3. See Africa
4. Write and be published
5. Sing and be heard
6. Love and be loved in return
7. Learn at least 2 foreign languages
8. Climb a mountain
8 Things I Often Say:
1. Oows
2. Mukha mo!
3. Di nga?
4. Great!
5. Mimiel
6. Shit!
7. Yeah
8. Yay
8 Songs I Can Listen To Over & Over Again:
1. I'd Still Say Yes - Freestyle
2. Infatuation - Christina Aguilera
3. Sunday Morning & Spiderwebs - No Doubt
4. Comfort in Your Strangeness - Cynthia Alexander
5. Playing in The Fields - Barbie's Cradle
6. You Take My Breath Away - Tuck & Patti
7. Landslide - Paolo Santos' version
8. Start of Something New - Rara's version which she sings with gusto! (I decided I will keep a record of her current talent. I hope she won't have the same "dyahe" feeling that I had during my teen years, every time my ma plays my song/voice recording of a cheesy Tagalog Imelda Papin-type of songs that I used to sing when I was a little girl (sobrang nahihiya ako kapag pinapatugtog yong cassette tape (sooo 80's)... yay!. FYI (I hate this confession haha) I was trained to sing (by a professional) and was actually joining amateur singing contests when I was a kid. Then as I grew older, umandar na yong hiya, so I decided to sing just within the confines of my room (or the bathroom...nice acoustic 'though).
8 Things That Attract Me To My Best Friends:
1. Varied interest
2. Up-to-date
3. Sense of Humor
4. Colorful Life
5. Good taste
6. Conversational
7. Easy to please
8. Beautiful smile (haha)
******
10 Wishes for now
1. A new white loafers (to replace the Bally pair I had for more than a year...not necessarily same brand but with promise of the same good comfort. I really, really love comfortable shoes especially since I'm a brisk walker (especially sa malls, haha). I'm even using a Nike yoga shoes on ordinary days now kasi comfortable sya, di nga lang pede mabasa. Luckily, I get to keep my shoes for the longest time (di ako nasisiraan ng shoes) because I buy those with good quality even pricey ones.
2. Enjoy videoke with someone who's "kapal muks" din and must be willing too sing for hours with me. Preferably a guy, and I hope he can do more than the usual "Bakit Ngayon Ka lang" duet piece (ah pede paki practice na yong song na "The Closer I Get To You" haha)
3. A nice conversation with a nice person (read: loquacious, kwela, madaming chismaks haha). Someone who can talk about anything under the sun. Someone who is constantly talking and jumps between being funny to serious in a snap....nothing is off-topic or forbidden to talk about. I want to enjoy something like that. Preferably with someone I knew but haven't done it with in a long time (hmmm...parang si ano yon ah)
4. A surprise phone call from someone who simply want to get in touch
5. A trip to Sagada
6. Availability of (even) vendo machines serving tea with milk
7. Lots of cute Gingersnaps dresses for Rara
8. Unimaginable discipline to go with my grave attempt to get back to a leaner and healthier me
9. A new skill to learn (I'm serious to learn photography)
10. Handwritten letter or greeting card from someone (meron pa ba nun ngayon? anyway, wish list naman to eh, so I am simply thinking out loud, giving up the belief that I cannot have it, and I'm sure these will be granted.
Much has happened the past 72 hours....
1. I saw "someone" whom I used to have a "slight" crush on in college. Fine, I've realized that "crush" is trivial (well at least for us it's mutual -or so I thought haha!) so describing it as "slight" seemed to form a redundant phrase. So, I'll just admit he was indeed my crush back then (and not someone who "caught my attention", lest I hear him repeat the phrase "napaka safe naman nito" ....haha). -Nowadays, uttering the word "crush" makes me tongue-tied, I guess I'm too old for that "cutest-special-crazy-thing" feeling. But who knows, it's something I might need and get back into in the near future, LOL-
This guy...we both knew each other, when I saw him I knew it was him. On the other hand, when he saw me, I sensed that he got surprised...sort of (nakalimutan yata ang pangalan ko, haha). He gave kind remarks (was that a compliment?). Maybe because we saw each other in one of the (un)coolest place to hang out, that is in a well-liked carinderia just outside the industrial zone. Later on I told him that is was my first time to eat there with my officemates, and he responded with something like "ano ka ba, ok lang yon kahit turo-turo no?". He thought maybe I was "dyahe" to be seen in that place, when all I meant to highlight was that it was my first time to eat there and with a charming twist of fate, I saw HIM.
Back in college, following my anti-crush policy, I usually just hang out with friends, even guy friends, and maintain that level of friendship only. Of course there would be some exclusion (read: angsty, musician guy-types), and some relationships which almost become real.
Back then, there was an air of mystery (the way I see him, and probably the way he sees me), which I can attribute to the fact that we do not know each other personally. He just happened to become a classmate in one of the entry-level engineering subjects we had.
And he gave me letters, worth-reading ones (And worth scrutinizing also, because he used the generic pseudonym. By doing so, I got convinced that it was indeed him writing the letters, because he gave the clue through his own handwriting also - the infinite loop in the manner he wrote the letter "M"). Which made me realize just now, that I'm lucky to have lived through the era of receiving hard-copy letters, even if sent personally or through snail mail (pity are those who did not experienced the thrill of receiving personal, handwritten letters, neatly tucked and handled with care, just so the recipient can actually sense the utmost intention of the sender be it expression of love, anger, friendliness, etc). I wonder if the bookstores are still selling scented, colorful stationeries nowadays :P
For now, I believe he is a busy man in the corporate world....living his happy life with his own family.
And that was it...it is always a pleasure of seeing familiar faces...
2. Today is labor day, and ironically, I worked in office today, just so I could fulfill all my obligations.
3. Umalis lang ako saglit, pagbalik ko lumalangoy na si Dyesebel, haha...
4. From 26 things, my To-do list is now down to 6 action items only (thank God). I should accomplish the rest before new things add up on my list. My major accomplishment - I was able to explain and negotiate with the insurance company to act on a 50K USD claim (huh, joke!).
Above list happened the past hours, the next hours require me to get ready with the following:
1. Meet the new staff which we hired recently. This would require my skill of making one peson feel that he/she is indispensable even though he/she is very new to the company.
2. Complete the expense reports in response to the red-colored, labeled email from our head office, which is now a fixture in my email inbox
3. Attend the summer getaway gimik with my officemates in Taytay falls, Majayjay, Laguna (or should I say, get my wallet ready)
4. More challenges, more interesting stories, more interesting people to meet, more blessings to come.
